How I Feel About Gaining Weight.

Gaining weight is hard.

Intellectually, the number doesn’t bother me. I know myself, and I know I am more than a number on a scale or BMI chart.

emma

But I am not going to lie, right now it is really hard to look in the mirror and like what I see. I feel “fluffy” even though I’m doing a fairly significant amount of strength training (although relatively low-intensity) and not eating a ton of junk. I compare the way I look now to the body I got by eating too little. Just because I maintained that weight on a decent amount of calories does not mean it was a healthy weight for me.

I wish it was, though.

I’ve recently been attempting to figure out what’s causing my hormonal imbalance (girls, you know exactly what I am talking about) and obviously nutrition/weight is likely to be a biggie. So for the last month I’ve been eating a ton and have gained roughly 6-7 pounds. I really hated writing that, but I know that it is what I needed to do.

Anyway, I had two blood tests done about 2 months apart. In the second one, although my hormone levels were exactly the same (could just be timing – they were supposed to be 6 weeks apart) my iron was dramatically improved! I was never anemic or considered to have low iron, but the fact that it went up has to be a good thing, right? 🙂

I’m trying to focus on that when I start to get down on myself. Realistically, there is no way that I look fat at this height/weight. It is 100% mental distortion on my part. It may be (really really) difficult, but I need to ignore thoughts of reducing my intake “just a little” and continue to simply eat healthy foods when I’m hungry.

dinner

I’m going to Ontario in just over three weeks to see the University of Toronto and visit family I’ve never met, so of course I want to look nice for that. I’ve heard they actually have this season called Spring over there, so I don’t want to feel uber self-conscious in a swimsuit/shorts. But I also don’t want to undo all the progress that I’ve made, so I’m feeling at a bit of a loss.

Half marathon training also starts this coming Monday! It would be a blatant lie if I said that I wasn’t hoping the increased running will help me reduce bloating, etc. But I do know that there is zero chance of performing well if I don’t get my body and its hormones sorted out, so I can’t afford to lose weight (even if I want to).

garminA run almost three times this distance does not just “happen”. 

The fact is, a healthy woman has a healthy cycle. Period. (I’m sorry, I had to.) If one is missing, that is a very clear sign that something is wrong. It COULD have absolutely nothing to do with diet and weight, and be completely separate from my past relationship with food. I’m pretty doubtful of that, however, due to the time that it disappeared (I only ever really had 2) and some other events that make me believe otherwise.

Being healthy is more important than a flat stomach. I need to tape record myself saying this and listen to it on repeat! I’m the only person who cares that I’ve gained a few pounds. Sure, people may notice, but they’re not saying “Oh, Emma looks 1 inch wider, let’s not be friends with her anymore” nor is a university going to say “OH GOODNESS. Emma is at a BMI of xx now, not xy! She’s OUT.”

yoga3This is for YOU stupid people and stupid restrictive thoughts.

I just had an appointment yesterday about this, so hopefully I will have some more information/results soon. I didn’t 100% understand what the physician was saying, but he seemed like one of those doctors who wants to put me on drugs for the rest of my life. I just about started to cry in my appointment because I am not willing to cover up this issue with fake hormones. I understand that they may be necessary to start some things off and protect my bones, but this needs to be solved, not disguised.

So I’ll do what he says, but I also know that I need to continue eating like a madman! Bring on the chocolate.

chocolateSeasonal desserts, how I love thee. 

Have you ever had to gain weight? How did you deal with it?

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8 thoughts on “How I Feel About Gaining Weight.

  1. I think you have a very good head on your shoulders about this, love. I think our body image is SUCH a mental game and we honestly need to fight to keep positive thoughts about ourselves at time. In the end, I think we just need to keep repeating to ourselves that our weight doesn’t matter and try to undo all this media crap we’ve grown up with.

    Keep eating, I’m 99% sure your loss of period is due to that and pudgy, laughing babies with twinkling eyes and slobbery smiles are 5 million times more important than feeling like a stick in a bathing suit. You don’t have to be at a certain number to rock that bikini! Confidence definitely outweighs (hahaha) a super low BMI in my opinion.

  2. Ugh I feel you on this girl! I have gained and I’m still gaining…but somehow I’m in a much better place mentally with it all than previously. It feels like as the weight came on..my mind became clearer (because I was bloomin’ malnourished of course), and I feel less ‘concerned’ about gaining. But I’m not going to lie that my emotions toward it changes daily; some days are better than others..and I am a work in progress. I think what’s keeping me motivated is the fact that I had a flawless perfect period for a year, and now it’s been 4 years its MIA. And I’m worried about osteoparosis and bone damage more than the weight gain. I think I need to do a post on this by the way I’m rambling :-p !
    But please, remember that before rocking those shorts or running those miles, its down to you to take care of yourself and nurture yourself before it’s too late.
    I’ve been tempted to restrict a teeny weeny bit sometimes too..but its almost like the ED voice is too weak to win any longer, despite having a less-than-positive body image.

  3. I’m so sorry that you are having a tough time right now. We are seriously twins – I still compare myself to what I looked like over the summer during half marathon training and restricting. While I know that wasn’t healthily attained/maintained (hormone problems –> 4 months without you know what) the vain part of my brain still wants to go back. Please don’t hesitate to email me if you need to vent or chat!

  4. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have been a couple of pounds heavier as of late. Nothing major, but it’s so hard not to get caught up in the vanity of it all. Remember, you are SO much more than that number. You also should maybe quit weighing yourself for a while and focus more on your running and getting stronger. Just my two cents!

  5. I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday about this VERY SAME issue. It’s now been over 6 months MIA for me.

    I really admire your strength through all this. Gaining weight sounds so easy but mentally it is really not at all. You are totally gorgeous, and a few pounds difference doesn’t change that at all.

    Skinny is never as beautiful as healthy. I have to tell myself that daily, but we all need reminders. Keep your chin up because you are beautiful and you’re going to find that healthy place.

    Don’t let the doctor get to you. He is just doing his job- and many doctors have one sided views on medicine. Our opinions don’t always seem rational to them. I hope you can find a doctor that is more willing to listen and help you out because you should have a say in what medicine you put in your body.

    Good luck and email me if you need anything!! Seriously, I’m having the same exact issue now and my appointment where they said I have to start figuring out how to fix this problem is Monday 😦 I’m so nervous!

  6. It’s such a scary thing to start – but it will be SO WORTH IT when, I quote Christine, we have our own twinkling eyes and slobbery smiles to marvel at.

    You are beautiful girl! All the same right back at you. ❤

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