Gaining weight is hard.
Intellectually, the number doesn’t bother me. I know myself, and I know I am more than a number on a scale or BMI chart.
But I am not going to lie, right now it is really hard to look in the mirror and like what I see. I feel “fluffy” even though I’m doing a fairly significant amount of strength training (although relatively low-intensity) and not eating a ton of junk. I compare the way I look now to the body I got by eating too little. Just because I maintained that weight on a decent amount of calories does not mean it was a healthy weight for me.
I wish it was, though.
I’ve recently been attempting to figure out what’s causing my hormonal imbalance (girls, you know exactly what I am talking about) and obviously nutrition/weight is likely to be a biggie. So for the last month I’ve been eating a ton and have gained roughly 6-7 pounds. I really hated writing that, but I know that it is what I needed to do.
Anyway, I had two blood tests done about 2 months apart. In the second one, although my hormone levels were exactly the same (could just be timing – they were supposed to be 6 weeks apart) my iron was dramatically improved! I was never anemic or considered to have low iron, but the fact that it went up has to be a good thing, right? 🙂
I’m trying to focus on that when I start to get down on myself. Realistically, there is no way that I look fat at this height/weight. It is 100% mental distortion on my part. It may be (really really) difficult, but I need to ignore thoughts of reducing my intake “just a little” and continue to simply eat healthy foods when I’m hungry.
I’m going to Ontario in just over three weeks to see the University of Toronto and visit family I’ve never met, so of course I want to look nice for that. I’ve heard they actually have this season called Spring over there, so I don’t want to feel uber self-conscious in a swimsuit/shorts. But I also don’t want to undo all the progress that I’ve made, so I’m feeling at a bit of a loss.
Half marathon training also starts this coming Monday! It would be a blatant lie if I said that I wasn’t hoping the increased running will help me reduce bloating, etc. But I do know that there is zero chance of performing well if I don’t get my body and its hormones sorted out, so I can’t afford to lose weight (even if I want to).
The fact is, a healthy woman has a healthy cycle. Period. (I’m sorry, I had to.) If one is missing, that is a very clear sign that something is wrong. It COULD have absolutely nothing to do with diet and weight, and be completely separate from my past relationship with food. I’m pretty doubtful of that, however, due to the time that it disappeared (I only ever really had 2) and some other events that make me believe otherwise.
Being healthy is more important than a flat stomach. I need to tape record myself saying this and listen to it on repeat! I’m the only person who cares that I’ve gained a few pounds. Sure, people may notice, but they’re not saying “Oh, Emma looks 1 inch wider, let’s not be friends with her anymore” nor is a university going to say “OH GOODNESS. Emma is at a BMI of xx now, not xy! She’s OUT.”
I just had an appointment yesterday about this, so hopefully I will have some more information/results soon. I didn’t 100% understand what the physician was saying, but he seemed like one of those doctors who wants to put me on drugs for the rest of my life. I just about started to cry in my appointment because I am not willing to cover up this issue with fake hormones. I understand that they may be necessary to start some things off and protect my bones, but this needs to be solved, not disguised.
So I’ll do what he says, but I also know that I need to continue eating like a madman! Bring on the chocolate.
Have you ever had to gain weight? How did you deal with it?