Thinking Out Loud.

Good morning everyone! I absolutely love Amanda’s idea to make our Thinking Out Loud posts about body image/recovery/personal thoughts.

These thoughts are still random (it is TOL, after all!) but are sort of a compilation of how I’m feeling lately about health in general.
Thinking-Out-Loud
1. I feel like I’m starting to get my confidence back. I (FINALLY) got my exam results back, and I did a thousand times better than I expected. My marks shot up, and all my hard work really paid off. It is such a good reassurance that I actually am intelligent and deserve success.
toronto university
You know, I WILL get into university. 
2. And I’m rediscovering my passions. It seems to be such a common occurrence that people who struggle with a disorder – whether it involves eating, drinking, personality, or something else – lose themselves in it. When my entire life was devoted to food, there was no chance I was curling up on the couch with a book. But reading and writing is such an inherent part of who I am that I cannot believe I went without it for so long. And I’m so thankful to have it back.
books
3. I wish we could all feel beautiful. As cheesy as it sounds, I honestly wish from the bottom of my heart that every single girl and boy could feel good about themselves. There is no one that shouldn’t be able to look in the mirror and feel good about what they see, and what they don’t. There are infinite types of “beautiful” and we are all one of them – we just have to find it. The amount of criticism and comparison that goes on is just obscene and makes me sick.
4. My school has a “Smile ‘Cause You’re Beautiful” campaign that I absolutely love. It encourages girls to go without makeup for a week to embrace our inner beauty. I’m part of the team that organizes it, and we write inspirational quotes all over windows and mirrors, and promote self-love. It’s such an important quality and I wish it was easier than it sounds.
emma
5. Trust is a challenge – It’s SO hard to trust yourself. Just this past Tuesday I had such an internal struggle over whether or not to eat a Luna bar. It sounds so stupid, but I had just eaten a huge lunch and was still hungry, but didn’t know why. I couldn’t even focus on my homework! But I couldn’t trust my hunger signals enough to eat it.
luna-bar
Until I did. 🙂 My point is, though, trust is such an important concept when it comes to health. We need to trust ourselves, our bodies, and our family and friends that want the best for us.
6. I wish exercise was just about “feeling good”. But it’s not, and I don’t know if it ever will be. In fact, I don’t think there’s a human being on the planet that exercises and has absolutely zero regard for what they look like. There are some people who care more than others, of course, but in my opinion our society is so dependant on physical beauty that it is simply inescapable.
7. That being said, I love that exercise can also motivate us to focus on more than what meets the eye. I’m not saying that you should EVER feel the need to justify how you look, but I know that I’ve been able to ignore my legs and stomach a little more when I run a personal best 10k. So whether its running, weight lifting, martial art or canoeing (?) finding an activity that allows you to treasure and thank your body is, in my opinion, an amazing way to let go of some body-image attachments.
running
8. Running is my lifeline right now. I’m struggling under the pressure of school, getting into university, and am beyond ready to finish high school and start my life. Having that goal of a half marathon is all that’s keeping me motivated. But to properly train for that race, staying healthy is essential. I can’t succumb to self destructive thoughts that try to tell me I don’t need something – whether that is food, rest, pampering, or even time with a book.
workout
I DESERVE to be happy and healthy, and so I will be. And so do you.  ❤
No questions today – tell me something on your mind this week.
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12 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud.

  1. You are intelligent…and you do deserve success. We all do. Even though I have a hard time convincing myself sometimes..but the main thing is to know that inside. Well done you!
    Oh I’ve just recently become ‘able’ to read again i.e I can focus on words. I don’t know how I lived without it!
    I too find it spectacularly difficult to trust myself, especially as I don’t have any workouts to justify my fuel. But that’s stupid..we need fuel just to survive.
    Anyway, you doing great Emma..honor your hunger 🙂

    • Thank you. 🙂

      It’s definitely a twisted mindset we get ourselves into – thinking that we are know what our bodies need better than our bodies themselves! You absolutely do not need to justify anything you eat – you need fuel to survive, thrive, and be happy!

  2. You DEFINITELY deserve to be healthy and happy. And I know what you mean, feeling beautiful and pretty is something most women need to battle with. I always have to put in a conscious effort to remind myself not to think negative thoughts when I’m having a not so good body image day.

    That campaign you organized sounds lovely! Can’t wait to hear more about it 🙂

  3. First of all, a HUGE congrats on doing so well on your exams! 😀 Not that you need those things to tell you how intelligent you are, but it’s always a nice little confidence booster to get 🙂 And ditto to struggling to figure out hunger sometimes. I’ll experience the same thing where I suddenly won’t be able to focus on something, and the worst part is that I don’t necessarily even feel physically hungry. But the nagging persists until I grab something to eat and then I’m perfectly okay and able to go on with my life. The body… such a bugger sometimes.

    • Thank you so much! You are right – I should remember that I don’t need a grade to determine my intelligence, but WOW does it help a lot. 😉

      I’ve actually been experiencing that more often than not – I know that I’m hungry but my stomach doesn’t necessarily grumble…beyond weird.

  4. You will get to the point where exercising is just about feeling good. I work out for a living, right? I blog about it, and I teach fitness, and now that I’m where I want to be, I truly feel like I exercise to stay healthy, and there’s not some like sick need to drop weight every time I step into the gym. You will get there!

  5. You my dear are a very beautiful young lady & like you said, everyone deserves to be happy and healthy. Never stop reaching for your dreams, because hunnie you WILL achieve them if you put your mind too it. Congratulations on your exams. Stay focused and you’ll only see positives xox

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